S1E02: Defining Moments

Have you ever seen Defending Your Life? Awesome movie. Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep from the nineties. Basically, when you die (in this movie) you spend a few days in a lovely place where you are assigned an advocate to prove that you did enough good things in your life to move on to the 'good place.' Can you imagine looking back at your life and only getting a couple of hand-picked moments? Which ones would they be?

What are defining moments?
I think many people believe that we have very few of them in our life, maybe only one. One moment that changes you so completely and affects every piece of your future.
I don't disagree, but I don't think our life is limited to only a couple defining moments. I don't even think we're limited in pivotal moments either. Can't we change our course an infinite number of times? Not that I recommend such a course...one would start to feel considerably lost, I think.

A defining moment, to me, is one that never leaves you. It is the experience that you can pinpoint in your past as the reason for a certain personality trait, habit, fear, opinion, passion, hobby, etc. We are very complex beings; it is logical that our 'definition' has so many pieces, that our molding is so multi-faceted.

I have been reminded of some of my defining moments at random times in my life, and some of them popped out of my long-forgotten memory ("like daisies").

OOH, I just realized, there is a perfect explanation for this whole thing that I am talking about.
In the Disney movie Inside Out, Riley had her 'personality islands' and the core memories that fueled those islands. This is why I love that movie so much. Everything in it rings very true, especially all the parts about forgetting and losing memories that are not used or revisited. Wouldn't it be great if we had full capacity of our minds to retain every memory?

But I digress...

I'm talking about me. My defining moments.
I wish I could say that all of the moments I think about were happy, but only an idiot would believe that our negative experiences are less important than the positives. I'd even go so far as to say that our negative experiences can be more powerful.

I may revisit this concept at other times, because I certainly am not going to try to list all of my defining moments right now.

But I thought of one that comes up frequently at my job. People often ask me why I love sharks so much. I vaguely remember the first time that my dad took me snorkeling in La Jolla, where the leopard sharks come to gestate in the warmer waters. That is where my love started, but the moment that solidified my obsession was years later when I dove down to get a closer look at one of the females. Usually they swim away quick, not liking to be approached. But this one, amazingly, didn't swim away. She stayed still while I gently stroked her from just behind her head all the way down her body. Then she calmly swam off. I was in love. Sharks became my everything.
Sometimes when I am feeling discouraged about school and work...my future and all that...I remember how happy I am when I am in the water with the leopard sharks, or even just standing underneath the shark tunnel at the aquarium. It is like an anchor to me...reminding me that I have a goal, a dream, and I just have to get through some hard steps first.

So, I just wanted to start with something positive and let you know that I've grown into a woman that I am proud of, and I am very happy. But I want to share one of my painful defining moments in the hopes that it will make people think before they speak.

Now, we all know that junior high/middle school is literal hell on earth. It is such a shame that those crucial ages of 11-14 can be marred by such hurtful, degrading experiences like you find in those schools, as well as at home. It would take another blog to discuss the issues with how children are losing the social skills and are being weighed down by depression/anxiety, body-image & self-esteem issues, and family problems at a very young age.

But back to the point. I'm sure my experience is similar to a million others. During middle school, I lost the best friend that I had had since kindergarten because of stupid words that were said without thinking. Feelings were hurt, and being the pre-pubescent children that we were, we didn't know how to resolve it. I was lucky that my cousin was still at the same school and hadn't moved on to high school yet, because she saved me. Her friends welcomed me, despite my younger age. Eventually I met two girls who adopted me into their friend group. Most of us moved up into the same high school, and the majority of us are still best friends, 16 years later. (See? good things really do come from bad).
One of the hurtful things that was said to me was very scarring. It hardly seemed real when I heard it because I thought it could only be a thing that people said in the movies. No one could really be THAT mean. Well, they can, especially if they think it won't get back to you.
In short, someone called me a pig.
Simple. Typical, maybe. But probably one of the most painful things you could ever hear, and especially at that age.
I am sad to say that it is one of my defining moments because it affected my life for YEARS to come.

I hope that you are careful with your words.
I hope that you realize how they can hurt people.
I hope that you compliment more often than you criticize.
If you are not careful, you may become a negative part of a defining moment in someone's life...and I doubt you want to be remembered for that.

If you are still struggling with self-esteem, image, anxiety, or anything else that may be caused or triggered by an experience from your past, I invite you to throw yourself into doing things you love, developing talents, and enriching the lives of people who deserve to be called your friend. For me, these were the things that helped me see how life is good, and how I am a valued human being with things worth saying, and skills worth sharing.

Embrace your defining moments, the good and the bad. Let them make you a stronger person. The world needs your strength.

To quote one of my favorite people, The Doctor,
"In 900 years of time and space, I've never met someone who wasn't important."